


uhGood

by Bleu_Wolf



Series: Mono Mixtape Based Fic [1]
Category: Mobile Legends: Bang Bang (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Heavy Angst, Minor ClauSion, Psychology, Self-Acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:28:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22196296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bleu_Wolf/pseuds/Bleu_Wolf
Summary: Living is like walking on a bridge. To achieve self-actualization, to know your own potential...is no easy task.Gusion is stuck on a bridge, crossing from his ideal-self to his real-self. With his father's pressure to make a clone out of him, can Gusion achieved his goal in gaining freedom to develop himself?
Relationships: Claude/Gusion
Series: Mono Mixtape Based Fic [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1597765
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13





	uhGood

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: 
> 
> The title and the excerpt of the lyrics are for fair use, no profit is made. All credits of the song UhGood belongs to one and only RM.

This was painful, looking at the place that once held memories he once treasured deeply. The old beech stands tall after all these years, watching them grow from acquaintances to friends then lovers. Gusion’s hand stroked over the initials they had carved on the trunk, C + G. It was a cliche, but it was also a meaningful trinket. 

As he walked stepped back, he saw two figures sitting underneath the tree, hidden by the low branches and the curtain of leaves. They sat huddled together, hands clutched on their laps as pairs of lips shared empty dreams and false promise. Their love staled the air with intense toxicity that choked those who witness it. 

_ “Initials on a tree?” Gusion asked, watching Claude craved on the bark with a small switchblade. He sat cross legged as he eyed the curve of the C. The young teenager stepped back, hands on his hips as he admired the masterpiece he had made.  _

_ “What do you think?” Claude grinned at him. Gusion huffed out a laugh. The teenager with brown mohawk brought Gusion close for a kiss on his head. “I made the tree special with our love.” _

_ “That’s so fucking cringey, dude.” _

_ “Hahahaha” _

******

_ “Happy birthday, Claude! I got you this shirt you’ve been staring at the shop last week!” _

*****

_ “Gusion, thanks for listening. I never thought you’d spare some time just to hear me blabber about my problems.” _

_ “I love you,” He kissed Claude’s cheek. “I’ll give you my shoulder to cry on,” _

*****

_ “Breaking up? What do you mean?” _

_ “Don’t take this the wrong way, babe. It’s just…” Claude scratched at the back of his neck, staring at the green gift box in his hands. He looked up to Gusion and his heart broke at the tear filled eyes swirling with confusion.  _

_ “Listen Gusion…” _

_ “Is it me?” Gusion choked. He took a deep breath before letting out a sigh. “If it’s me, I can change. I’ll change for us.” _

_ “It’s not you Gus-” _

_ “THEN WHAT IS IT?” People turned with their brows raised at the two teenagers. Gusion’s lips quivered as his eyes shed more tears. “IF IT’S ME, JUST SAY IT!” _

*******

Gusion sat in between the large roots. He let out a sigh as he stared at the overhead view of Gladiolus, his birth town. Beyond the metropolitan was a large bungalow waiting for his return. Deep down, Gusion doubt any warm welcome when he arrived. Coming here was merely to stall the time he had. 

Every time his family send a text message, it always prompt him this question - ‘What lies am I going to tell them next?’

It was all fake, his success and happiness. In truth, Gusion was a failure. He was nothing like his younger brother, Elijah. Elijah was smart, he could easily catch up in class unlike Gusion who needed a long span of time to understand one topic. Elijah was athletic, winning every medal and trophies for the school. Gusion couldn’t be as active, not with a hole in his heart. 

Gusion always sat by the bleachers, watching his brother tackle other players to the ground. His parents would roar in excitement as Elijah ran to the other side of the field and bring another point for the team. When they won, Elijah was hoisted up by his teammates and he was celebrated with praises and words of appreciation. 

“Elijah, you’re a pro!”

“Elijah you’re so hot out there!”

“If only you’re like Elijah, Gusion.”   
  


It pains him every time his parents compared him to Elijah. He did not ask to be born imperfect. 

There used to be a motivation programme once. The speaker talked about how we all have an ideal person we want to become yet we found ourself difficult to cross the bridge that led us there. In life, we always seek for approval from those around us or to be accepted into their circle. To fulfill this form of satisfaction, one would take extreme measures to be the person they are not. 

That was what Gusion once tried to do. He created an image that even he, himself, was a stranger to. He was rude to others, only befriending them for his own benefit. Gusion was popular among the girls. He was handsome and rich, the two things everyone only seek for in a person. It was satisfying, to have everyone fawning over him. 

But over a while, it went down a bad path. Gusion could see through their praises and white lies. They only love him for  **what** he is. Not as who he is. 

To them, he was just a hottie with a lot of money. 

Gusion took a deep breath and looked up at the sky. His family is waiting for him. After 7 years, would they still remember him? 

It was a blur, to recall the last time he was with his family. The household of tyrants with rules to bend you and mold you into whatever they want. 

As a young weakling, Gusion instantly let his dreams go. Bound by a leash, Gusion could only choose and follow whatever his parents told him to. Go to business school, only wear these types of clothes, be friends with those of the same level as you are…

He was a slave of his own loved ones. 

“Do I really have to go?” He said to the tree. Gusion was glad that Claude decided not to show up here. This tree has always been the only listener ever since he was a young teenager. Gusion raised one hand to wipe the tear that trickled down his cheek. 

5 years later, he wondered how Elijah is. 

******

The residential area was just as quiet as he remembered. The neighbours are mostly successful business owners and well-paid people. Gusion parked his car far from his old home. There were more than two cars in the driveway. He could see balloons and the top of a wedding cake peeking from the fence. The guests came with presents under their arms, in all sizes and shapes. 

He turned to look at the small box on the passenger seat beside him. Was it good enough to make amends? Was it enough for him to be a Paxley again?

“Hi mom, dad. Remember me?” He said, eyes closed and a smile on quivering lips. “I’m sorry about what happened 5 years ago. I’m sorry for not being the son you want me to be.” 

The brunette took one shaky breath as tears streamed down his cheeks like a waterfall. “I know I’ll never be able to. I’m not like Elijah. I’m not as smart, I’m not as active. But I hope, I hope you’ll still take me as part of the family.”

When he opened his eyes, it was all blurry. Gusion let his head rest on the wheel, gathering every willpower not to break down. This was not as easy as he had thought. He tried to make peace, to have a family again but deep down, he knew that this was impossible. 

Elijah sending him that invitation was just to show off his success in being the golden child of the family. It was no surprise that Dad would choose him as the heir to the business empire. That was what the invitation was about, to celebrate Elijah. 

Who is Gusion anyway?

The door of the sedan swung open and Gusion shakily got out. He had made sure his eyes were not puffy and wiped off any wetness on his face. His shirt was smoothed out with a few swipes of his hands. No dust or imperfections on his black slacks. The gift he bought for Elijah tucked under his arms as Gusion stared ahead at the bungalow. 

It’s now or never....

_ “Care to explain why you’re at the Dump?” _

_ Gusion clicked his tongue. He kept walking up the stairs, ignoring his father’s piercing gaze. He saw Elijah sitting with Mom by the fireplace. Mom and Dad had a shimmer in their eyes as they listened to Elijah. He saw that familiar piece of paper in his hands. He got it too earlier in school.  _

_ He knew what they were talking about… _

_ “Gusion Paxley!” Dad raised his voice. “I’m talking to you!” _

_ Mom looked like she wanted to say something but only kept her mouth shut. Who is she against the dictator of this house? Gusion loved her, but only because she’s the one who gave birth to him. Anymore than that is just lost in the dark. So Gusion ignored his family and kept walking to his room, quickly, because he did not want to have the talk with his father.  _

_ “Gusion!”  _

_ The door banged as the lock clicks into place. It’s a foolish move, pouring oil into angered flames. But it gave him a temporary relief. Remember those barriers video games would ask the players to do as a defense against zombies? That’s basically his situation right now.  _

_ For how long will this barrier last? Soon the monster will tore it down with his big claws and strong arms. The once temporary safe zone is now his execution chamber.  _

_ “Open this door, young man!” His father banged on the door. Gusion could hear the muffled pleas of his mother. The father said something, probably telling her to shut up or stay out of this.  _

_ When he heard the jingle of keys, Gusion knew his end was here. Actually he knew the worst is to come the moment he agreed with his ‘friends’ to go to the Dump. The loud, ear killing music made him forget of the threat at home. The strong smell of alcohol intoxicates him from reality.  _

_ The door swung open and the beast stomped inside. His aged face was red and jaws clenched so hard he could hear the teeth cracking. The eyebrows tensed and eyes glaring wide at the lone boy in the room. Gusion saw his mother silently weeping from the doorframe. He wished he could tell her to stop crying. Her tears never helped him at all. It never did.  _

_ “Who do you think you are? Do you know what our neighbours have been saying-” _

_ “So you cared more about gossip than me?” _

_ “You don’t know what trouble you’re putting this family into,” Dad closed the door behind him, shutting Mom out of the arena. Gusion bit his bottom lip and tried to push away the rising fear inside him. He was angry and at the same time, afraid.  _

_ Dad stood in front of him with his hands on his hips, foot tapping as if he was waiting for the excuses Gusion would blabber out. “Everyone is talking about you. Gusion is dating other boys in school, Gusion skipping schools to hang out in underground bars, Gusion this, Gusion that.”  _

_ He took a deep breath, the hands trembled. “I don’t understand you, Gusion. Why can’t you behave like your brother? We raised you exactly like how we raise Elijah. It’s bad enough that you’re failing your studies and now this. What is it that you want? I gave you everything.” _

_ “That’s what you thought.” _

_ His father went silent, but Gusion could see the pain that flashed in his eyes. Gathering the cracking courage he got, Gusion faced the demon that haunted him the day he was born.  _

_ “You think I was satisfied with what you give me. I felt like a doll, dressed up with whatever you want me to be in or behave in how you want me to behave. With all those ‘gifts’ and ‘guiding’ is just you molding me into being you.” Gusion choked. “Well, I’ll never be you! I’m a person of my own. I’m not some piece of clay so you can make me a clone of yourself!” _

_ “Watch your tongue!” Dad snapped. “I took care of you, fed you and teach you to be a person. A person, Gusion! Unlike what you’re becoming yourself.” _

_ “Then, let me go.” Tears streamed down his cheeks. “You chained me, Dad. You think what you’re doing is good but it’s not. You’re not giving any freedom to me or to Elijah.” _

_ “No!” The sound of hell appeared at the door. Gusion closed his eyes, not wanting to look the distraught Elijah. The golden child becoming the hero to save his father. His, not Gusion’s.  _

_ “Gus, what’re you talking about?” Elijah yelled, as if hoping to bring some sense to his brother. “I don’t see Dad stopping us from doing whatever we want. I can still go to school, make friends-” _

_ “You’re smart, Elijah,” Gusion sneered. “But you’re still dumb to see the world as it is. Of course you feel satisfied because you’re Dad’s son. You’re smarter than me, you can do sports. Me? I can’t do shit.” _

_ Dad squinted his eyes at him. “I have no freedom at all. I can’t choose to study what I want. I don’t want to study business, economics...I want to study Designing. I love sketching outfits more than calculating the revenues I get in a single day or strategies to face any incoming crisis to my business empire. I don’t want to sit all day in long meetings. I hate office work.” _

_ “Of course you enjoyed it Elijah, because you got what you want.” Gusion locked eyes with his younger brother. “Everything you got now, is basically from what you wanted. It fits your taste. You’re always satisfied because no one is going against you.” _

_ “Gus, you’re talking nonsense…” _

_ “This family is nonsense!” The brunette screamed. Elijah flinched at the sudden raise of voice. Gusion was a shaking mess with his tear stained cheeks and trembling hands. “You think I didn’t try to make you proud? I spent sleepless nights studying, to catch up with school. I can’t do sports because of my own health so I went active in club events. I tried to be number one like Elijah but have any of you seen it? No! Only when I mess up will you guys notice. You only see my flaws than my achievements. Just like now. You never know how I was bent over my desk to read all those books on economics and business management but you only notice me when I got home late from the Dump!” _

_ He dared himself to face his father. “Is that my worth to you, Dad? A mistake? Just a rotting scab that you wish to get rid of?” _

_ Silence befell the room. Elijah had his head bowed, only glancing to look from underneath his bangs at his brother and father. The air was tense and it was getting hard to breathe. Gusion wiped angrily at his eyes with the sleeves of his shirt but never broke eye contact with the man in front of him. Only the soft weeping of Mom could be heard.  _

_ “Is that what you wanted?” The tone was low and icy cold. Elijah and Gusion invisibly shrunk from his voice. “You wanted to be free? Is that what you really wanted?” _

_ Gusion took a deep breath. “Yes, it’s all I could ever ask for,” He said in a softest voice, pleading and full of hope. “I don’t want fancy clothes or expensive cars. I don’t want the best cooked food. All I wanted was to be able to be myself.” _

_ Something shift in his father’s eyes and gave a small hope of light inside Gusion. The young man swallowed nervously. His ears ringing and his mind whispered in his father’s voice, that he can be who he chose to be.  _

_ “Leave this house,” _

Those three words killed him. Those three words are what drove him to pack his clothes on that same night and leave the house. Those three words followed him as he knocked rapidly on his uncle’s door. It was a blessing that his uncle being the only family member that supported him. 

He dropped out of that school and helped his uncle at a retail store outside of Gladiolus. For years, he tried to pick up the shattered pieces of himself. His uncle tried hard to bring a smile on his face until one day, when the man Gusion’s old sketchbook. It was at that moment his uncle told his friend who worked at a fashion boutique. Said friend agreed to have Gusion as her designer and worked under her. 

Ignoring the pain of the past, Gusion put effort in the career he dreamed of. His designs caught the attention of many clients and the store was flooded with buyers. The owner was amazed with the improvement that she couldn’t achieve herself. She made Gusion her business partner and they both worked together in building their own empire in the world of fashion. 

He achieved his success, after all those years. But will they be proud of it?

Gusion sighed as he mustered enough courage to knock on the door. It took a few more knocks until it was finally answered by none other than...his mother. 

The woman still regained the same beauty she had 5 years ago despite the greying hair and wrinkled skin. The smile on her lips made her twice more beautiful and Gusion pulled her into an embrace. He never loved her, though, he never hated her. 

“I thought you didn’t come,” Mom wiped the tears from her eyes. “My son, after all these years. You look even more handsome.”

Gusion said nothing, only giving her a small smile. She pulled him to the living room where everyone gathered to celebrate Elijah. The celebrated son stood in front of the fireplace, in the middle of the living room with a woman beside him and a small baby in her arms. 

That’s right, Elijah’s married. Another success to add to his collection. As much as Gusion wanted to feel proud of him, deep down, he knew his brother is just following his father’s steps. That girl, she’s probably arranged to marry him for business purpose. Gusion knew her. She was the daughter of one of the company’s competitions. 

But, as long as Elijah is happy with this new step in his life. 

And Gusion was quickly noticed by this life sized Ken doll. Elijah broke a smile on his face as he approached the man. He was taller now than when he was 5 years ago. His hair is still the same short, swept to the side style. They shared the same face yet Elijah has more life to it than Gusion’s. 

“Gus! Haven’t seen you in a long time?” He pulled his brother in a tight hug. “I missed you. I wanna come visit but-”

“Can we not talk about it?”  _ I know damn well of your sweet lies, Elijah.  _ “What’s past remains in the past. This is your special day, let’s not ruin it,” Gusion smiled, despite his inner self telling him to run. 

Elijah pursed his lips, nodding. “Right, right well,” 

Gusion was dragged around by Elijah. He was introduced to his wife, Ina was her name and his daughter, Sammy. The brunette was shown around to Elijah’s friends who held an air of superiority. Gusion felt out of place with the way he’s dressed and the job he worked. He was still a small fashion designer, unlike those top notch ones. His name and brand are foreign to these people who wore well-known brand suits and wardrobe. Their whole being reeks of million dollars cash. 

Gusion’s wardrobe comprised of simple clothes found in the thrift shop. 

“You’re living an easy life now, huh?”

Elijah finished the wine in his glass. “I guess you could say that. The company’s been doing well. Though I’m still taking guidance from Dad once in a while.”

“Dad…” Gusion said, trance-like. “How was he?”

Elijah’s smile dropped. He bit his bottom lip. “We take him to the hospital twice a month, just as follow up. He’s still on meds though.”

“At least you guys can take care of him,”

The golden son scratched at the back of his head. “I tried my best to be by his side but I’m caught up with work lately. So Mom and Ina’s the one taking Dad to the hospital and looking after him.”

“He’s your Dad too you know.”

Elijah had a flash of annoyance in his eyes but he hid it well behind that punchable smile. They talked more, catching up with what’s in the past. Well, mostly talked about Elijah’s duty as the new chairman of the Paxley empire. Gusion pretended to listen while waiting for the right time to leave. 

He was happy with the hands down wealth. Gusion had to work his way to achieve his own wealth. He was still in the middle of it and it might need more time for him to be like Elijah. 

Be like Elijah? Gusion scoffed at the thought. 

“Did I say something funny?”

Gusion turned to his brother. “I should be going.” He said, standing up from the sofa. “I told Azza I only need a half day off. I had to go back to work after lunch hour.” 

“Uhh okay then,” Elijah stood up as well. “Let me-”

“No need,” Gusion said, voice void of any emotions. “I know where the door is.”

Elijah kept his mouth closed as Gusion left him standing with his crowd. As Gusion got near to the door, he felt someone watching from behind. He stopped and turned around, looking up to see a haunched old man by the stairs. An IV drip stand stood beside him like a loyal companion. Despite his aged appearance, Gusion could still feel the judgemental gaze in his eyes. 

The same look he gave him 5 years ago. 

“Hi, Dad,” He said, a hand slightly lifted as a salutation. Dad gave no reaction. The wheel of the IV bag stand squeaked as he dragged it back to his room. No words were said ever again. Gusion pursed his lips and left the house. 

The forgotten Paxley shuffled his way to the car. He glanced over his shoulder, taking one final look at the place he once called his home. This was the place he grew from the day he was born until the day Dad asked him to leave. Gusion scoffed at the memory. 

Was it a blessing or a curse? Was it a good idea that Dad made him leave? Or will it open more bad luck along the way? 

So far, his life was fine. He got what he dreamed to be. No one is telling him what to do, yet he felt no peace. Gusion got into his car, leaning back against his seat. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Holding it for a few seconds before letting it go through his mouth. Then, why does he still feel empty inside?

He wanted freedom didn’t he? Free to be who he wanted to be. Unlike Elijah, Gusion is happy with the life he created for himself. The wealth he got was from what he worked for, not handed down like Elijah. But, why is Elijah the one happier than him? 

Does Elijah feel this emptiness he felt? 

_ There are three things in life - self-image, self-esteem and ideal self. Self-image is how we see ourselves. The simple aspects such as body image can create an affect on the person’s attitude towards themselves. Self-esteem is what we think about ourselves, it is related to the question ‘Do we amount to this?’. The last part is the ideal self, which is what we want to be.  _

_**All I need is me.** _

Gusion opened his eyes. He caught a reflection of himself in the rear view mirror. Moist eyes and tear stained cheeks sunken from constant loss of appetite. His lips looked dark from his occasional smoking and it was slightly cracking. Is this his ‘ideal self’ look like in reality? 

It looked so different from what he imagined himself to be. But does it matter? In the end, they are what made him who he is. They will lead him to who he is. 

“To the real me,” Gusion whispered to himself as he smiled for the first time in his life. 

  
  


**The End**

  
  
  
  



End file.
